Isn’t It Funny

I am a female twenty-something, and I don’t know what to do with my life right now.

These days, like many others, I find myself holed up in my room with zoom fatigue, cancelled plans, riding an emotional rollercoaster with the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Though more and more these days, I find myself in moments of longing for scenes from a seemingly past life- scenes I didn’t realize would become treasured memories that I am no longer afforded. Moments like sitting alone in a coffee shop surrounded by strangers reading. Moments like walking around my neighborhood, seeing couples smiling on benches and kids laughing on bikes, without the barrier of a mask. Those were the moments that made me happy. The majority of the time, however, it feels I am stalled on the rollercoaster. I can’t get out of my car- buckled in without my consent and unable to move. I feel myself plateauing, feeling almost nothing at all on most days. At least feeling sad is better than feeling nothing. I don’t know if it is something I can change or if it is something I really need to change.

My days are riddled with anxiety that I am going to catch a pandemic virus that seventy percent of my country will have had by the end of 2020. The funny thing about this year is that we are doing everything wrong as a nation and a society. We are praising healthcare workers with an artificial sense of appreciation; a knee-deep thank you rather than a full-hearted change of behavior. Like they always say, actions speak louder than words. And those actions are screaming. They’re screaming that we don’t care about others or that we somehow believe that a cursory 13 minutes of googling will provide us with more accurate information that the scientists, public health professionals and healthcare workers who have devoted their lives to understanding crises like the one we are experiencing today. It is funny because it is absurd. Funny because it is laughable. The type of funny that turns into crying after about 45 seconds of chuckling.

Funny because politicians are all worried about the economy, fearing the crash and its negative byproducts so much that they are willing to loosen regulations to make Americans unsafe to put more money in the American pocket. But that way? That way Americans die. And if you don’t see that reality, then you’re not paying enough attention. With no people, there is no economy. American lives are more important than the American economy. But the funny thing about all of this happening this year is that hindsight is 2020, huh? I don’t want kids because I don’t want to have to explain to them when I tuck them in at night how badly we all screwed up our chance to save each other when I was a young twenty-something.

Isn’t it funny how this is all happening. Funny how we are changing, or not changing. Funny how we are prioritizing. Funny how we are locking up on our minds along with our bodies.

These were the ramblings of a disgruntled twenty-something.